176. he broke up with me for being too much

Too Smart For This

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176. he broke up with me for being too much

on having high standards

Alexis Barber

Sep 16, 2024

Transcript

I’m the first woman in my family who has not had at least one child by my age.

Yes, I’m only 25, but the culture I grew up in prioritized having a relationship and children above all else.

When I decided to go to college out of state, move to New York City, start my own business, and even go to graduate school, I was the only person I knew who did anything of the sort.

But every time I returned from the big city, the question would remain the same: “do you have a boyfriend?” It evolved when I got into a long-term relationship: “why don’t you get married? You need to have kids soon or you’ll be an old mom.”

Questions about my education, business, or extensive travels were rare. While I thought I was above it because I was building my own life, I subconsciously was programmed to cling to a partner, plan for marriage, and stay with that person at all costs.

There had never been any room to question what I wanted out of a relationship, I simply was focused on being in one.

So in my first year being single since I was 17 years old, I was not only struggling to figure out how to text a man back (my least favorite activity BY FAR) or get dressed for a date, but I also grappled with defining my standards for a partner.

When I’d dish to my girlfriends (and therapist) about my boy problems, one simple question kept taking the breath out of me:

“Well, what do you want?”

What do you MEAN? I get to decide what I want and what works for me out of a relationship?

It sounds silly to say, but I didn’t know I had the power to choose that. I thought relationships were fated, and that once you had a connection with someone you would focus on giving it your all. Many women operate the same way: focusing on the title instead of deciding exactly what they need, want, and deserve, and sticking to it.

Through a few Raya dates, way-too-long situationships, and a lot of experiencing what I didn’t want, I settled on what I did want, and thought I’d found someone who wanted to be that for me.

But when he abruptly ended things because “my standards were too high,” instead of lowering them, I started to feel a sense of pride for believing in myself and my dreams above all else. Now, the standards are just getting higher.

I hope this episode reminds you that you’re never too much for the right person. It’s one of my favorites ever.

xx,

Alexis

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